Right, so I’ve been away for a few days. As some of you may know I signed up for the blogging fundamentals two week course. I’ve got so caught up in my ‘homework’ that I lost my way a little. As I said in my earlier post On a learning journey, I know absolutely nothing about blogging!
The trouble is whilst doing this course, although I have learnt many new things, I started to beat myself up about why I didn’t know. I got frustrated and despondent, I thought to myself “I’m too thick for all this blogging stuff, I may as well give up!”. I don’t know why I was giving myself such a hard time, I mean, I knew I didn’t know what I was doing and I knew I’d have to learn as I went along, I just thought it would be, well easier somehow. I’m not saying it’s hard, because it’s not. It’s just I’m a perfectionist and I expect myself to pick everything up first time, straight away. If I don’t I beat myself up and declare failure!
I’ve always been the same, in school, at work, at home. I don’t know why I do it. I saw the film Bad Moms the other day and although it’s not my usual type of film I like to watch, it touched home a bit. The preface of the film is so true. Why do we feel the need to be perfect all the time and in everything we do. If we don’t mess up then how will we learn anything. Also if we were all ‘super mums’ then where’s the fun in that, how boring.
Anyway, while I was wallowing in my own self pity at not being a super IT genius and blogger of the century I lost my flow. I didn’t know what to write about and thought that whatever I wrote would just be total nonsense, so I didn’t bother. The thing is this erked me even more because I love to write and I missed my little part of the great blogespheare. So today I decided that what I needed was to just log back on and have a browse through the Reader to cheer myself up. I love the diversity of it. It never ceases to amaze me what other people blog about, it’s fascinating. During my peruse, I came across Rex Sikes latest insight: This is how you start winning and become a real winner. It made me realise that I’d not been focusing on the ‘wins’ I had while starting up this little blog of mine. I hadn’t concentrated on what I had leant, I was only focusing on the things I was struggling with. Because of this I was spiraling into negative place where only self pity and negative thoughts would prosper. So much for using the law of attraction! I was thinking negatively, therefore, I was attracting more negative, like attracts like. The thing is about ten minutes after I read Rex’ piece I got my blogging fundamentals ‘homework’ and do you know what it was? To write a blog about an article you’d read that inspired you! I couldn’t belive it. I’d only just read Rex’ piece and was already feeling so much more positive.
Rex’ article really touched home with me. I realised that I am constantly criticizing myself for not being perfect. Whether it’s at home or work, my appearance, what I eat, drink, say, do, the list goes on and on. The more I put myself down for not ‘winning’ the more I lost.
I really thought about what he had to say. I am winning in so many areas of my life and I have done in the past. I have two amazing daughters who are beautiful both inside and out. They are both growing up into strong, independent, thoughtful, kind, intelligent, grounded young women. I realised that there are many things about them that I see in myself (or should I say I see myself in many of the things they do?) I can see now that I have been critical of things in them that I consider bad in myself. The truth is that I have brought them up to be that way on purpose because I was always told not to speak up for myself, not to be strong and confident as it was considered arrogant, but in reality I am now trying to suppress them. suppress the things in them that I have fought so hard for them to believe in. To believe in themselves as individuals, to know that they are beautiful. To know they are good enough, that they can achieve anything they want in life as long as they treat others with love. Treat everyone as they would wish to be treated themselves. To respect others beliefs, faiths, race, sexuality, gender, dreams. These are the young women that I have raised. They are both truly wonderful, even if they are a little hormonal at times (well they are both teenagers after all lol).
My lack of self belief, lack of self-confidence is what lead me to the law of attraction but it is also why it took me so long to find it. There were always signs pointing me in the right direction. I always had really good intuition, feelings, but I always pushed them aside thinking I was being stupid of just passing them off as nonsense. There have been many opportunities for me in my past, oppertunities that I have missed because I didn’t have enough faith in my own abilities. Jobs I have lost out on, houses I could have bought. When I was younger I never thought I was pretty enough for the boys to look at me and so always presumed if someone paid me a compliment that they were doing it for dare or taking the mickey out of me. It took me many years to realise that I was attractive, I was good enough for that job, I was successful enough to have bought that house. I used to wonder what my life would have been like had I only had enough belief in myself, but now I look at it all as lessons learned. My path may have altered along the way but I’m here now. Doing what I love. I think that if one thing or the other went differently then I may never have met my gorgeous husband, I may never have had my two beautiful daughters, I might not be doing a job I love or live in my lovely house. There are friends I would never have met. Everything happens for a reason and if we don’t follow our instinct first time round, it’s for a reason. There was another path you were meant to take to get to where you are now.
I have learnt so much and met so many wonderful people. The sad times have taught me to be grateful for the happy times. The times of lack have taught me to be grateful for the times of abundance. The most important thing I have learnt is that thoughts do most definitely become things! If you are negative you get more negative. If you are positive you get more positive. A positive thought is far more powerful than a negative one and if you smile at a stranger in the street it can change your whole day and probably that of the stranger.
This morning I was feeling fed up, despondent and generally sorry for myself. The more I thought about it the worse I felt. Once I decided to change my thought process my day improved so much. I ended up having a great day.
I am grateful for everything that has come my way today, from the cup of tea I had this morning, to my youngest daughter making me laugh with her sassy little way, my oldest daughter showing me that I’m not always right and that she is well and truly in control of her future. The scrummy dinner I had tonight and that fact that the whole family loved it.
I am grateful for my wonderful life, warts and all!
Love and happiness